Star Wars 3D – The Cash In Continues

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

George Lucas saw a cow with the most bulbous, beautiful udders a man had ever beheld. George walked toward the cow, her bovine eyes locked on his. As her approached that luscious beast she jiggled her swollen udders as if in invitation -

‘Milk me George and taste my delicious sweet lactation.’

And low, George milked that cow, faster and harder than any man has milked a cow before.

But now, thirty three long years later the cows teats are sore and her udder a small, shrivelled scrotum. Yet George milks as furiously as the day he began.

How much more has she got to give George?

How much more?

Twitter – An Orgy of Inanity

Heard someone say Twitter? Scared you’re behind the times? Not sure what it’s all about?

Well it’s getting a re-design and it’s still going to be the next big thing (this time) so you’d better read on.

Twitter is an orgy of narcissism between three groups of people constantly ejaculating short jets of inanity onto one another on a daily basis.

It’s well weapon.

The fervour rises to a peak around lunchtime as opinions are thrust forward faster and faster, quiets into pillow talk around three and dies off into post orgasmic silence at five. It is populated exclusively by people who all fall into one of three groups:

Geek

You are a geek. Do not pretend to be normal. You might be a social media wanker, an internet marketing person or just your average pasty, spot covered keyboard warrior. You get irrationally angry when people do not research their shitty blog posts properly and constantly become embroiled in arguments about:

1. The accuracy of facts you found on the internet
2. Whether a Mac is better than a PC
3. Which phone is the best (top trumps for the socially retarded)
4. Why the films/music/t shirts your friends and colleagues have/watch/wear are gay

You believe that Wikipedia is more authoritative than science and that everything you read by people you like on the internet is unequivocally true. You also think that complaining in a loud and pompous manner on your blog and referring people to it in a loud and pompous manner on Twitter will make someone give you something for free.

Celebrity

There are actually two sub categories of celebrity;

(a) Actual Celebrities
You tweet every inane detail of your day to your thousands of fans, who lap it up and respond and feel like they are actually part of your daily life. Some people love it, some people hate it. The real world somehow gets by without this information.

(b) ‘Actual’ Celebrities
Someone in your PR Agency or management team has heard the word Twitter. Some poor sap of an intern trying to become a glamour model/actor/PR bigwig is tasked with tweeting about the inane shit that you do on a daily basis and goading your hoards of fans into responding. Heat magazine fail to realise that they don’t need to write articles any more, they can just copy/paste your tweets.

Bot

You are a spammy bot that automatically follows people and tweets vaguely related stuff at them. How you are different from every other Twitter user is unclear.

If you’re still not convinced you want to join, why not get a flavour for it first by shouting at a crowd of angry geese? Maybe cut out sentences from a newspaper, attached them to a bike wheel and spin it in front of your face at moderate speed. Maybe practice short, hilarious monologues in the dark on your own for seven hours.

Twitter is so unbelievably pointless that even Dilbert got a shot in. Even Dilbert.

Burn indeed.

So should you join? Well it’s pretty obvious that you should. Isn’t it?

Start Smoking – It Makes Your Face Look Cool

Don’t believe the propaganda, ignore the horrible disease ridden images and stark black on white warnings on tobacco based products. People who smoke enjoy a myriad of benefits to counter balance the cancerous guillotine hanging precariously over their nicotine addled heads.

Here are the top three reasons why you should start smoking – right now.

1. Smoke Breaks

If you smoke you are allowed at least twice as many breaks as non smokers. fact. legally the non smoking schmo gets a meagre fifteen minute morning break, an hour (at the most) for lunch and fifteen minutes in the afternoon. On pain of death. The average smokers day however runs something more like:

09:00 – 09:15 – First Smoke of the Working Day Smoke Break
10:00 – 10:15 – Legally Required Standard Break #1
11:30 – 11:45 – Man It’s a Tough Day Mid Morning Smoke Break
12:00 – 13:00 – Lunch
13:00 – 13:15 – Post Lunch Smoke Break
14:15 – 14:30 – Just Finished An Email Smoke Break
15:00 – 15:15 – Legally Required Standard Break #2
16:15 – 16:30 – Break Up the Afternoon / Nearly Hometime Smoke Break
17:15 – 17:30 – End of the Day Smoke Break / Finish

That’s a killer ninety minutes of additional break time the health conscious non smoker misses out on. If you’re a canny (or cheapskate) smoker you probably smoke roll ups, which means you can bang an additional five minutes onto every one of those breaks for rolling time. Awesome.

2. Meeting People

So you’re out on the town and you see a beautiful woman (or man) you want to go chat to. Do you offer them a drink? Of course not – you can’t overcome your fear of rejection and public humiliation. But wait, he / she is going outside – FUCK you don’t smoke. You fail at life once again. Thanks to the smoking ban you can no longer casually offer someone a light / smoke / match inside, you’ve got to be a dedicated smoker and hard core it outside like a real man. One more reason to start banging those coffin nails.

3. The NHS

Worried about disease? Don’t be.

You pay your national insurance right? Unless you’re a dirty student or some jobshy scrounger. If you stick to a healthy lifestyle like a moron you’ll never see that cash again, and their aint no opt out. So what can you do? Smoke. When you eventually get cancer you can rake back that investment with expensive scans, new wave cancer treatments and some serious bed time.

So get down to that news agent, break out some notes and reap the sweet smokey rewards.

Lazy Advertising – The Vulcan Death Pinch for Television

I love Television.

I don’t love everything on it, probably not even half of what’s on it, but I’m in a gracious mood and I can accept that most other people have much more blunt, clandestine taste than I do when it comes to entertainment.

But there is one thing which ruins my life, ruins your life and sucks the life from the programming we know and love. And that thing is advertising.

It is generally accepted that we have become so numb to adverts broadcast on TV that even if people watch them, they slip into a coma like state where the contents of those ever lengthening slots slide over them like water over a duck’s back. Fast, smooth and leaving no trace.

So do they get more creative? No. They just get louder. Now when the ad break hits you it’s like a sonic boom of abrasive noise and sickening faux real life blathering. You’re forced to either ensure, as your hair billows back from your face and your eyeballs dry out like two old lychees, or shout like your nan about how the damn talky box is too damn loud Jeffrey.

So hated is advertising the rise of ‘on demand’ viewing services over the last year or two can only be described as meteoric. We all just want to watch the show, not a fucking stupid french kid and his panicky mum whoring themselves to a yoghurt company.

Even the hallowed ground of on demand viewing is being invaded by ads now. What retarded cretin in their right mind, thinks that someone watching a programme on 4OD wants, actually desires, to see an advert before, in the middle of and after the programme they have chosen to watch? Really?

Imagine this, if you will; Johnny ‘typical 4OD viewer’ Smith bangs on his PC to catch up a show he missed. He wants to watch that show, everyone he knows has been talking about it and he has thought of nothing else but seeing that last episode. But wait – an advert full of laddy wankers shouting about what great mates they are. What? What the fuck? Oh a Carling advert. Brilliant. Just exactly what Johhny wanted to be forced to sit through prior to watching the much anticipated show. And again at the ‘ad break’ which should not even exist.

I know they have to make money somehow, sure we all do. Yet it must take an absolute kung fu master of utter bullshit to sell the idea that someone will actually (a) watch, (b) appreciate or (c) act on an ad being shoehorned in to this scenario, like a child trying to ram a wooden square through a circular hole.

The days of the television advertising gravy train are long gone. That’s the truth. I don’t have to sit in front of the TV at a certain time to watch something anymore, there are a myriad of legal and illegal ways to watch what I want, when I want. And I do not want to watch adverts.

Television advertisers are a pack of mangy hyenas, still gnawing at the dry, boney carcass of terrestrial television.

‘So what?’ you say. ‘People have to sell things, you’re just a whinger’. Well maybe so. Is it that much to ask ad men to be proud of their trade, learn a bit more and try harder to put their messages in a context where it will be received more positively?

No.

Is it too much to ask them to stop the black plague of death that is traditional television advertising from encroaching onto services whose appeal lies in being free from advertising?

No.

Will any of this happen?
.
.
.
No.