Heard someone say Twitter? Scared you’re behind the times? Not sure what it’s all about?
Well it’s getting a re-design and it’s still going to be the next big thing (this time) so you’d better read on.
Twitter is an orgy of narcissism between three groups of people constantly ejaculating short jets of inanity onto one another on a daily basis.
It’s well weapon.
The fervour rises to a peak around lunchtime as opinions are thrust forward faster and faster, quiets into pillow talk around three and dies off into post orgasmic silence at five. It is populated exclusively by people who all fall into one of three groups:
Geek
You are a geek. Do not pretend to be normal. You might be a social media wanker, an internet marketing person or just your average pasty, spot covered keyboard warrior. You get irrationally angry when people do not research their shitty blog posts properly and constantly become embroiled in arguments about:
1. The accuracy of facts you found on the internet
2. Whether a Mac is better than a PC
3. Which phone is the best (top trumps for the socially retarded)
4. Why the films/music/t shirts your friends and colleagues have/watch/wear are gay
You believe that Wikipedia is more authoritative than science and that everything you read by people you like on the internet is unequivocally true. You also think that complaining in a loud and pompous manner on your blog and referring people to it in a loud and pompous manner on Twitter will make someone give you something for free.
Celebrity
There are actually two sub categories of celebrity;
(a) Actual Celebrities
You tweet every inane detail of your day to your thousands of fans, who lap it up and respond and feel like they are actually part of your daily life. Some people love it, some people hate it. The real world somehow gets by without this information.
(b) ‘Actual’ Celebrities
Someone in your PR Agency or management team has heard the word Twitter. Some poor sap of an intern trying to become a glamour model/actor/PR bigwig is tasked with tweeting about the inane shit that you do on a daily basis and goading your hoards of fans into responding. Heat magazine fail to realise that they don’t need to write articles any more, they can just copy/paste your tweets.
Bot
You are a spammy bot that automatically follows people and tweets vaguely related stuff at them. How you are different from every other Twitter user is unclear.
If you’re still not convinced you want to join, why not get a flavour for it first by shouting at a crowd of angry geese? Maybe cut out sentences from a newspaper, attached them to a bike wheel and spin it in front of your face at moderate speed. Maybe practice short, hilarious monologues in the dark on your own for seven hours.
Twitter is so unbelievably pointless that even Dilbert got a shot in. Even Dilbert.
Burn indeed.
So should you join? Well it’s pretty obvious that you should. Isn’t it?
