Don’t believe the propaganda, ignore the horrible disease ridden images and stark black on white warnings on tobacco based products. People who smoke enjoy a myriad of benefits to counter balance the cancerous guillotine hanging precariously over their nicotine addled heads.
Here are the top three reasons why you should start smoking – right now.
1. Smoke Breaks
If you smoke you are allowed at least twice as many breaks as non smokers. fact. legally the non smoking schmo gets a meagre fifteen minute morning break, an hour (at the most) for lunch and fifteen minutes in the afternoon. On pain of death. The average smokers day however runs something more like:
09:00 – 09:15 – First Smoke of the Working Day Smoke Break
10:00 – 10:15 – Legally Required Standard Break #1
11:30 – 11:45 – Man It’s a Tough Day Mid Morning Smoke Break
12:00 – 13:00 – Lunch
13:00 – 13:15 – Post Lunch Smoke Break
14:15 – 14:30 – Just Finished An Email Smoke Break
15:00 – 15:15 – Legally Required Standard Break #2
16:15 – 16:30 – Break Up the Afternoon / Nearly Hometime Smoke Break
17:15 – 17:30 – End of the Day Smoke Break / Finish
That’s a killer ninety minutes of additional break time the health conscious non smoker misses out on. If you’re a canny (or cheapskate) smoker you probably smoke roll ups, which means you can bang an additional five minutes onto every one of those breaks for rolling time. Awesome.
2. Meeting People
So you’re out on the town and you see a beautiful woman (or man) you want to go chat to. Do you offer them a drink? Of course not – you can’t overcome your fear of rejection and public humiliation. But wait, he / she is going outside – FUCK you don’t smoke. You fail at life once again. Thanks to the smoking ban you can no longer casually offer someone a light / smoke / match inside, you’ve got to be a dedicated smoker and hard core it outside like a real man. One more reason to start banging those coffin nails.
3. The NHS
Worried about disease? Don’t be.
You pay your national insurance right? Unless you’re a dirty student or some jobshy scrounger. If you stick to a healthy lifestyle like a moron you’ll never see that cash again, and their aint no opt out. So what can you do? Smoke. When you eventually get cancer you can rake back that investment with expensive scans, new wave cancer treatments and some serious bed time.
So get down to that news agent, break out some notes and reap the sweet smokey rewards.
